How I Didn’t Lose My Donkeys

You know how everyone has that one friend whose always talking about the karmic balance of the universe, or the movements of the stars or collective negative energy? It’s that same person who obsesses over people’s moon charts and explains people’s behavior with phrases like “he’s such a Scorpio*.”  Maybe it was the fact that horoscopes were considered borderline occultish and Satanic in my childhood church or maybe it’s because I resent the fact that my “sign” is an unpleasant insect-crap hybrid**, but I don’t really by that stuff. Here in New York I can’t even see the stars most of the time let alone meditate on the effects their slight shift may have on our petty endeavors on earth. Given the borderline catastrophic week everyone and their dog just experiences, I’m tempted to change my mind.

Why did everyone I know experience a plethora of MINOR DISASTERS this week?  I mean, I’m not actually sold on the idea that there’s some crazy cosmic force acting in everyone’s life right now, other than maybe a few demons and an angel here and there, but there’s something going on. For a variety of reasons, I spent a disproportionate amount of time in tears during the last six days or so. Everything I touched LITERALLY turned to materialized Fail. If King Midas had his own soap opera, I’d be the Evil-Twin-Alter-Ego named Julio.

I won’t get into details but suffice it to say this week wasn’t very happy, but I’m happy to report that Friday at midnight my Fail Carriage turned back into a pretty pumpkin and some stuff went well. By “stuff”, I mean the engagement party Graham and I decided to host in my small, enclosed Brooklyn apartment. I actually had to move the sofa out onto the street to make room for more bodies, but 1) I wanted to get rid of that couch anyway and 2)now it’s like our building has an outdoor lobby or something. Next, I’m going to start dressing in a blue blazer and pretend to be the doorman. I could buzz people up and everything.


We pulled off the party surprisingly well thanks to help from Graham’s brother, who cooked and cleaned with us all day. People enjoyed the food I/we cooked and even though the guests included a friend from high school, two friends from the non-Harry Potter part of the interwebz and a LOT of  (very loud) Harry Potter fans and the awkward meter could have been VERY, VERY HIGH everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. The first thing Mia said when she walked in the door and saw our apartment full of happy people was, “I didn’t know you had friends!”  It surprised me too.

Following yesterday’s exhaustion and elation,I needed a day of recharging. Naturally, I just drank a lot of coffee and some pureed fruit at one of my favorite East Village secret hideaways while sort-of-almost studying for my upcoming Development of Christianity test. All in all it was a successful and non-disastrous couple of days while gives me hope for this week.

Because God has a sense of humor, He lead me to the Book of Job in my daily Bible Study this evening. So much for complaining about MY life, man. Seriously, next time you start feeling self-pitying and complaining to God/friends/family about the crap happening in life, it might be a good idea to read Job. I don’t want to *SPOIL* you since I know you’re probably waiting for the movie to come out, but the guy’s SUPER RICH and COMPLETELY HOLY and he loses everything including all his kids all at once. That’s just the first two chapters. Anyway, the moral of the story is that after that all happens HE PRAISES THE LORD.  Sorry for the capital letters and for sounding like a Sunday school teacher with a bad haircut and no teeth, but how crazy is that? My catastrophes are mostly not life threatening, nor do they involve the loss of my children or donkeys or goats or servants. Not that I have children, donkeys, goats or servants, but STILL. My self-challenge for the week is to praise the Lord even when things don’t go my way. He’s good all the time, after all. Not just when my horoscope says so.

If I were really holy, I’d end this post with a Bible verse from Job, but I’m not gonna. I’m going to make you read if for yourself. Well, I can’t make you, but I’m hoping the part about the donkeys made you curious. Plus, Job is from the Land of Uz which is the early precursor of the Land of Oz. Really. It’s on Wikipedia or something.

How were your weeks? Any catastrophes or blessings or donkeys?

*To some extent, my other half and roommate Mia is this person in my life, minus the karmic balance of the universe stuff. She reads this occasionally. Mia, here’s your shout-out. This long.

**They’re actually arachnids of some sort according to the internet.Whatever. They look crab-like to me.


4 responses to “How I Didn’t Lose My Donkeys

  1. Speaking as a girl who has both read the book of Job and checks her horoscope every month, I have to say that I don’t think the two are on opposite ends of a spectrum. I mean, I agree with Firenze when he scoffs at Trelawny for trying to read petty human hurts into the movements of the stars, but… I dunno. It makes sense for me that were would be clues. That there is something to be said for astrology in that if God made us and made the stars and planned this whole thing out, it’s like “hey, why not leave a special prize in the celestial cereal box for people who are looking?”

    What people DO with their secret spy decoder ring of zodiac-truth is where it all comes crashing down.

    … I am very tired, and I’m sure this makes NO sense. But I’m postive my exhausted ramblings will amuse you, so I’m leaving it. You’re cool. No, like really. I love you for saying these things.

  2. wordscankeeler

    I actually had no intention of comparing astrology with Job and I certainly don’t think the lessons found in Job are irrelevant to people who check their horoscopes. That said, the Bible directs followers of the Lord not to bow down to the heavens or look to the stars for answers. (See Deuteronomy 18:10, Isaiah 42:8-9, Daniel 27-28 just to name a few.) Since I strive to adhere to the Bible’s teachings as much as possible, I don’t think horoscopes are a good or valid means of interpreting my life. I don’t necessarily think astrology is “of the devil” but I don’t believe it’s Divine either. Anyway, this comment is long. I love you tooooooo. ❤

  3. Yes, Job is rather the convicting book.

    As for horoscopes, I used to be really really into it in middle, interestingly enough, it was also a time in my life when i wasn’t going to church. After awhile I realized how much of a waste of time it was, how it was just an overgrown personality quiz, so I stopped.

  4. speaking of the book of Job…have a listen at Bad Religion’s song Sorrow. It’s basically what Job would feel like if he wasn’t extremely religious. I’m nowhere near religious myself, but I do believe in God and that the Bible is true. I find stuff like this interesting, like a challenge to my faith or something.

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