I’ve noticed that many people enjoy posting attributes and qualities that attract them to another individual. People make videos, blog posts, Facebook notes, Myspace bulletins and even away messages to let the world know what turns them on. Then they get really creeped out when HOTSTUD69 IMs them on a Saturday night because he “is totally the guy u r looking 4. i am just like ur list, 4 rul. do u have a webcam?”
Since I’m totally one to jump on the bandwagon, and I miss staying up late every night having fascinating, intellectual conversations with HOTSTUD69 himself, I thought I’d post my own list of “turn ons.”
I know these are probably really cliche, but bear with me.
1. Never, ever make me laugh.
There’s nothing more exciting than a three hour conversation about different types of mold or a list of all the puppies that have perished in the neighborhood. I especially like when a guy is so boring that I get depressed as soon as he walks into the room. It’s so annoying when you’re trying to date someone who makes you life. I mean, you almost start to like being around them or something. Ew.
2. Be as unintelligent as possible.
It’s so hot when a guy can’t string three words together that aren’t “football,” “beer,” and “boobs.” It’s best if you don’t know how to read and do not have a wide vocabulary. If you are articulate, we’ll actually have to talk to each other and have conversations every now and then. Also, if you’re dumb, I’ll feel smart and we know it’s all about ME.
3. On that note . . . treat me as horrendously as possible.
The more broken dates, verbal abuse and weekly physical beatings, the better. It also helps if you cheat on me with other girls.
4. This is going to sound really, really shallow, but do not be physically attractive.
I know physical appearance doesn’t really matter if we have that spark, but I just can’t date someone I find physically attractive. The fewer baths you take, the better. I like to scope the subway for people who are ugly enough for me to date, but I’ve just not found anyone who meets my standard yet. There was this one guy with no toenails and only one eye on the 6 train this morning who smelled kind of like a cross between spoiled milk and a gym locker, but he was a little too cute.
Finally . . .
5. YOU MUST HATE HARRY POTTER
I wonder if Laura Mallory can fix me up with someone?